Believe in yourself

In case you’re thinking that I am onto some kind of motivational post…….. you’re wrong!!! I am talking about the proverbial M syndrome that ails me every now and then!!! It is more now and more then……. so much that at times I am completely and totally living in a world of black and white. My exposure to people who are totally into the world of black and procrastination is definitely not helping. These days I keep oscillating pendulum like between GOOD AND BAD!!!

I guess you’re wondering about this proverbial M syndrome that I suffer from…… as I am sure you have never heard of it. It is this syndrome I developed after a very good friend of mine took me to task because I lost my temper one day…….. honest to God I don’t even remember the circumstances of the so called day in which I contracted the syndrome…… I plead amnesia !!! all I remember is that : I lost my temper, was accused of having anger management problems, and since then (Its been a very very long time) I have always held myself responsible for anything that happens around me……… people falling sick, maid not coming to work etc etc.

I don’t believe that I developed the syndrome overnight but the roots of it can be found in my childhood at school when the teachers chided me for things which were not my fault. I totally understand their point, specially because I know that it is difficult to manage a class of 80 or so students….. they are bound to make mistakes…… but that does not make me forgive them…… maybe someday……..

Flashback: In my third standard my class teacher Sr Bertilla divided all of us into groups for the GK class. One day the group leader asked us to meet at the certain location during the lunch break…… I had not finished my lunch so asked the group leader to go ahead and I would join them later. When I went back she told me I was late and I could not join in. The group leader who is now a very good friend of mine, went to Sr Bertilla and told her that I had told her that I did not want to join in. Sr took me to task and in front of the whole class took me to task citing that I was BAD etc etc and that I would not be included in any further activities……. well that was my first……. It did not even help that I topped in GK that year and have hated teachers all my life.

Years later a very good friend of mine refused to talk to me because the group of guys I hung around with were weird and had long hair and had notorious stories to their credit…… I was told that I should hang around with GOOD people and also that she could not be seen with me because my friends were BAD!!! I never dumped my friends for her but yeah I did not talk to her for years. I did not have time for snobs……… still don’t.

These days the people I meet are also totally negative. They are either slaves to their husbands or their kids or slave to their situations slaves to recession and career and money and their lives and do not want to work towards making it better rather live that way and curse their bad luck.

I do not understand the terms of GOOD and BAD. There is no RIGHT or WRONG in my dictionary. For me these things are totally ambiguous. There is good in bad and bad in good……. that is my perception!!! You can’t castigate somebody because they think or behave in a certain way. Every man’s behavior is based on years of experience. A person behaves in a certain way because according to him that is the right way to do things. What is good for me could be bad for somebody else and vice versa.

The problem is that for some reason we start viewing ourselves from the eyes of others…… the problem is not with what people think of you……. but what you think of yourself.

For years I thought it was a self esteem problem and I had my best friend make me stand in front of the mirror and do the I love myself act. It never worked because it wasn’t the problem. Earlier in life I used to do things and tell myself that everything is OK as long as my ma and pa believed in me……. I still think that but today additionally I think that I everything is OK as long as I think that it is OK!!! but somewhere deep in the heart there is always a MAY BE…….. Ma says that little bit of doubt in yourself keeps pride from going to your head and helps you in case of failures. I totally agree!!! The mantra here is to believe in yourself even when all others around you lose their faith in you!!! Every decision that you take in such crossroads is going to have effects which are both positive and negative. It totally depends on you how you take it and are able to turn things around!!!

Today I am again faced with the classic case of M syndrome of good and bad !!! If I take the easy way and do the right thing I get accolades but if I refuse I have years of work ahead of me but the satisfaction that I did not compromise with my ethics. I have lived with the satisfaction as till date I have never compromised on the ethical front…….. guess one more time but the temptation to bend is really too much….. but nope!!! I guess I will just have to believe in myself that I can do it again…… proverbial phoenix!!! and rise again!!! This time I am going to lose a full year of work but the experience of it remains with me that nobody can take from me……. guess if I can do it once I can do it again and again and again!!! But honestly I wish this would just stop and I wouldn’t have to reinvent myself every six months. Even I deserve a laid back life!!!


I am back !!! I sooo missed blogging !!!!

At last !!! I finally get to blog!!! Man I was so desperate….. and it was about time!!! First good news I had been HOME!!! yes to PUNE !!! beloved Pune !!! beautiful Pune !!! I have already started missing it….. that means today the salt in the stuff I cook will be more than normal!!!

In the two days that I was there I managed to make dad very uncomfortable and as promised completely ruined his peace. I know that sounds blasphemous to you but believe me that is the only way you deal with the men folk in my home. He has lost three kilos which is totally mind boggling because after working out for two hours everyday for a month, not to mention all those motivational posters of body builders I have not been able to lose even one gram, rather put on two kilos. He is not feeling well!!! so I have coaxed and threatened and I would like to believe that I managed to put some fear in his heart which I hope will take him to the doctor…… at least he is talking things lightly right now…… which is accomplishment indeed for me.

I spent a long time with Ma….. guess what it was her birthday so I landed at home with a HUGE bunch of roses and a cake!!! It was a total surprise to her as she never celebrated her birthday before and let me tell you she totally enjoyed it. Of course it was heightened with the presence of my two beloved nieces.

The surprise party for her was a blast!!! She put on a new sari and dressed up in her finery and smiled for me to take lots of pics…… (Well I forgot to take my camera along but koi gal nahi….. mobile phone hai na…. though I am having a bad time sending all the pics to my mail id via gprs)She even cut the cake and blew the candle while we sang the traditional “happy birthday to you“!!! It was fun because for years she did just that for all of us. Dad was the one cribbing and telling us “You did not celebrate my birthday!!!” So this time I promised myself that I will celebrate all the birthdays and anniversaries!!! They can refuse me but I usually put the bandook on my little niece’s shoulders and shoot and they cant refuse her. Yes !!! along with being a person with anger management problems I also have a manipulating streak….. but as Lord Krishna said in Geeta (I hope he said that….. atleast that’s what I think I heard Ma say he said or was it shakespeare!!!) the end justifies the means !!!

By the way I have this on authority from Ma in one of my conversations with her that my grandma said that all the people from my family with anger management problems (100% of the members) are justified because they come from FAMILY OF ANGER (literal translation of the bengali phrase “raager barir maiyya”….. sounds weird) which in turn nullifies all the accusations of people who have in the past accused me of being a bad person because I lost my temper…… are you listening M??? I mean you…… especially you alongwith lots of others of course. I know you never read my blog all the more reason I can say what I feel but who cares I can say what I please…. atleast I am not maligning anybody!!!

Another very interesting conversation that I had with Ma was the about the arranged marriage business…… yes I say business because that is what it is…… negotiations, bargains, just like cutting any other deal….. well I will have to devote a whole post to it…… OK as I was saying the discussion was about the arranged marriage scenario then and now…… quite a thing actually, quite hilarious as well….. some of the stories had me, sisters and hubs in splits!!! I miss ma so much I wish I lived close-by then I would be able to spend more time with her.

I could see the whole thing was already affecting dad and ma’s mood and they were actually even being social with each other considering they had a terrible tiff some days back and don’t like each other very much at the moment but then I thought that if I make the effort I can make this a very routine affair after all within the family we have 14 occasions which include birthdays and anniversaries and if I club in festivals I can definitely hit a bingo of at least one a month!!! that should lift everybody’s spirits and get the family together more often….. not to mention my own selfish reason of having a legitimate reason to go to Pune every month. In any case if I can bring together 30 different people from different parts of the world and hold reunions why cant I do it within my own family where I get the added bonus of screaming, raving, ranting…… not to mention feeling grossly important and guess what getting away with it…..

For now I am in deep pits with Mumbai heat and load shedding and with the MTNL guys giving me grief over broadband and also the research proposal I am STILL working on also the research paper….. It will end someday!!! I am patient and trying to be optimistic….. something like touching the end of the rainbow….. who knows I might just be able to do it….. Fingers crossed!!! Amen!!!

guys don’t miss the arranged marriage post I cant promise it being fun but the way I heard it….. it was real fun!!! I hope I can reproduce it just the way I heard it!!!

You Take care till then
and have a wonderful weekend
see ya

One tight slap

Have you ever lost your temper and wished that you could bash somebody up??? Well somehow it happens to me very often. I lose my temper……. see red…… want to kill that someone and then don’t really say anything to the person in question and just walk away……… boiling all the away. Sometimes a couple of remarks do leave my otherwise (so called) well controlled mouth. Call me short tempered or lack of anger management skills or any other jargon you wish to use from the English language. I usually put it down to PMS. But I guess it is not so simple.

A couple of days back I was very tired after work and wanted to take my well earned break from cooking so I ordered home delivery. Hubs and me did not want to cook but did not want to eat the frozen restaurant gravy.

Flash back : Some days back we had heard of this lady who has a home delivery service in our society, which serves authentic Bengali food. Since I do not cook much of Bengali food at home we decided to try it and called up the number.

Present : The lady at the other end who spoke had a raspy voice and was rude to the point that she would not deliver dinner unless it is ordered at 4:00 in the evening and that too we had to order for minimum 4 people. She spoke in the typical Ballygunje……. I know English kind of English, which I must say is not British nor Indian nor American nor Bengali. Here I have to mention that the prices quoted were also obnoxiously high. She was charging Rs 200 for a dish of macher jhol (fish in thin gravy) for one person. What bothered me was not the price but the lady’s attitude towards me when I spoke to her. I was polite to the extent that I was wallowing in honey but the lady was so rude that I wanted to bash her up on the phone.

I was hungry and really wanted to eat chanar dalna (paneer preparation) and hubs wanted to eat fish but the lady was really obnoxious!!! well we didn’t order because we were only two of us and could not eat the food for four and it was already 7:30 pm so she would not take the order. I mean how does anybody know at 4:00 pm that they would not want to cook at 7:30 pm and would want to order a home delivery but then for Her rules are rules…… She is personification of Bruce Almighty Bengali cuisine service…….. and dumbo me always thought that home delivery food was for last minute bookings…….. guess I was wrong…… well I cant really complain my learning curve is growing after all!!!!

Her attitude took me down memory lane to all the times since I was very little and wanted to bash up people. I did bash up guys in my days at college but never girls and older people. This idea found hubs and me making a list of the people we would bash up given the opportunity. While our simple dinner of khichadi and papad (that was all I could dish up) cooked, we both sat down to make our list of 99 slaps. I could not make it to the 99 and would never put it up on my blog, but I did have a large number…… from my third grade till date. The surprising element of it was that most of them…….. 90% were females. Guess I am partial to women after all.

I have Rohit Krishna and Bani Dey (who cares if they read) and some more men from work on my list but the number of men were very few but the show stealers…… I mean the top five included Rupinder, Sr Bertilla (one reaction from her altered the course of my entire life), my tailor who spoiled all my dresses this year and one particular maid of mine who had me fuming so much that hubs claimed that he could see smoke emanating from my ears. I have been very tolerant with women not so much with men whom I usually say what I feel. I reserve my thoughts when it comes to women and fume later.

But given the chance I would like to go back to all these people and I want to bash them up….. the dhobi pachhad way. Haaaah bliss!!!! the very thought of doing that is giving me so much peace!!! I particularly remember this person who spoke of me as if I wasn’t in the room while I sat and listened to all of it. I would like to really slap this person….. lady again!!!

I really wish I had some power like gupi and bagha from the movie “gupi gayen bagha bayen” by Satyajit Ray and I could clap my hands and reach where the person is right now and sing something and slap that person as much as I wanted and then come back to where I am!!! I loved that movie!!! I wish it was not fantasy and it was for real…… just one tight slap each!!!! not much you know considering the amount of baggage I am carrying because of these people!!!

God willing one day I will be magnanimous to be able to forgive all these people who have hurt me!!! I live in anticipation of that day…… I hope it comes fast and peace reins within me forever……. else the Gods should seriously think of giving me the gupi-bagha power!!!! the latter is definitely more interesting and satisfying :)!!!! somethings don’t change :)….. what ???? ME of course!!!!!

I am an angry woman !!!

I lost it again today….. my temper I mean. Why do people behave so disgustingly I do not understand…… or is it just me. Maybe partly!!! But it can’t really be fully. Anger and me are something of “choli daman ka saath” if you know what I mean. But of late I never lose my temper….. just very rarely. You really have to instigate me and get under my skin to get me to lose it….. even on my PMS days.

This time it had been simmering for sometime. My tailor….. no wrong…… A tailor…. she will never ever be mine. I had a perfectly good and sane tailor at home in Pune and this time I thought I should experiment with somebody closer to my Mumbai home, so I went to her. I had to get new clothes stitched for Durga Puja…… yeah right !!! the story starts two and half weeks prior to Durga Puja that is way back in September. I went and gave this woman lovely and very expensive materials (mostly silks) to make salwar kurta’s from.

I had travelled all the way back to Dadar to get the materials….. knowing me you should understand that it is truly a great deal of effort. So I choose the best materials and give it to her to stitch. I also have to mention that I have a problem with my weight….. I am fat….. my doctor has been perpetually after me to lose weight and she has put me on a diet allowing only chickpeas (roasted) and popcorn and anything with chickpeas flour as my diet…… basically a no-carb diet….. so I get really depressed when I put on weight (an observation of a very good friend. I always thought that I didn’t care enough to waste any emotion on that).

Anyways coming to the main issue I gave her the dress material way back in the start of September and when she gave it to me…… I could not even put my head inside it…… another dress had no shoulders and would get stuck on the shoulder….. They were almost three to four inches tighter….. and I could not have put on so much weight in the 15 days that she took to make the dresses…….. but she did hint at that. In short…… she had ruined all my four dresses.

For Puja I wore only the dresses that I had brought ready-to-wear and jeans. Come Diwali and my birthday also I could not wear anything new as is customary. I had given the dresses to have them altered (joke….. remade is more like it) and she would not return them to me. Last week after a lot of coaxing she gave me the dresses after three months. I had decided that I will not lose my temper with her and very gently kept going to her to give them to me….. I thought that following Gandhiji’s Ahimsa would help me…… but nah!!! last week I lost it when the lady actually grinned at me and told me that “not yet ready”.

All my training at anger management went out of the door and I gave the lady a look and told her if she did not give me my dresses and walked out!!! Just that much…… and she gave it to me within a day……… no they are not beautiful as I had conceptualised them to be but they are OK !!! they are a disaster actually but OK at least I don’t have to go back to her again. I had promised myself that I would not lose my temper again this year…… but I did it and since then it is as though the anger bottle has just popped and it wont stop…… today again I lost it with the guy I took my bike from. He wouldn’t give me the registration card for the bike. I cant drive the bike without that. Today after again shoving Mahatma Gandhi away I gave the guy good and he immediately gave me my card….. it was very much with him!!!!

Is it that Mahatma Gandhi’s principle of non-violence is not working at all or like Munna Bhai do I have to send flowers to the guys to remind them. Flowers don’t come cheap and the only flowers that I can think of when I think of these people are cactuses with lots and lots and lots of thorns. Guess I am not good at the Gandhi principle after all. My family is renowned for it’s temper….. you should come to my family and see them in action…… beats Ekta Kapoor’s soaps any day…… specially at Kolkatta….. I was so surprised to see all of them…… they were all like pods from the same pea…… I was so much at home there….. satisfied!!! nobody to judge me etc etc…. With normal people they just cant handle the fact that we are different…… One person on one of outbursts tells me “I don’t know you”, man that had hurt sooooo much that day!!! Still hurts when I think about it……. but then that is me!!! I remember Edmund Bertram say the same thing to the vamp in Mansfield Park by Jane Austen…. He said “I don’t know you…… Perhaps the person I know is merely a figment of my imagination”….. when the person was saying the above to me it was like a case of deja vu!!! Most probably when you are confronted with such situations/people the thing that you want to do is RUN/BHAG……. Convincing the likes of these people is impossible who like Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice (another Jane Austen) would say “My good opinion once lost is lost forever”…… OK melodrama apart I am a sucker for these classic novels and have read almost all of Jane Austen’s novels…… Hubby hates it!!!!

Getting angry is no fun. It takes away all the energy that you have. It is very draining. Nobody really wants to get angry and people who do are not sane!!! Mostly when I have a bout of anger it is usually (85%) related to PMS….. that is the time I really cant control the anger and lash out. Anger is a very negative emotion….. it is strong but also very bad. It takes aways your sanity. It is a kind of madness. Anybody is better-off without it. I am not going to start preaching nor am I glorifying anything. All I want to say is that anger is associated with a kind of helplessness and a feeling of being wronged….. I think people should look beyond the facade…… but then if people really care they do look beyond things…… if they don’t….. they don’t care enough and you are better off without them…… and trying to gain acceptability from these people is impossible….. my ma always understood me!!! Rajdeep does too!!! Both protect me….. they understand the helplessness that leads me to lose control….. thank God for that !!! Just one thing people…… be a little tolerant to those who have anger management problems……. unless they are violent…… listen to them…… they will either have misunderstood you or you have misunderstood them….. open dialogue……. your problems will come to naught!!!!

Hate anger……. not the angry!!!!


Two subsequent blog entries make me wonder whether I am after all metamorphosising to something different…… something GOOD!!! That again makes me wonder as to what is GOOD!!! GOOD according to the dictionary would mean “having desirable qualities especially those suited for a thing specified”. That itself would mean that the meaning of the word would depend on the perception of the person using the word GOOD.

Some people say that I am GOOD whereas there are lots others whose entire lives depends on proving to me that I AM NOT GOOD!!! I come across both types of people on a daily basis. But if I were to run into a popularity contest believe me I will lose miserably. I generally do not base my life looking for appreciation of people but again I am always careful that I do not hurt anybody intentionally or unintentionally…. I am not really successful in that regard and anyways I have realized that I cannot really make everyone happy…… but I do try to…. specially the people close to me but I am afraid I fail most of the times……. Eventually I have given up even trying. But time and again I am faced by this dilemma which makes me think if there really are some parameters in which I could define the word “GOOD” and if there was a code of conduct…… believe me the world would be so much simpler….. in my attempt to make my life and the life of all the people attached to me simpler I think I really complicate the whole thing.

I stopped getting into the good books of people a long time ago….. A useless venture…. because eventually people believe what they wish to immaterial of what you wish to convince them. The last one I got was my temper and me being selfish and tried as I could to convince that it was infact…. PMS……. I don’t think anybody bought that. I believe that when you accept a person you should accept the person with all the qualities that they possess…. GOOD and BAD. The good quality is always accepted but people do not wish to accept the bad.

I am a Hindu. In the Hindu way of life we are taught to believe that the GOOD and the BAD always persist alongside each other and where there is GOODNESS there is also the element of BAD. The good becomes good only because of the bad…. so when we worship DURGA we also worship MAHISHASUR because even though he was a bad person, he met his end in the hands of GOODNESS……. for that itself, he had a lot of goodness within him.

Most people are looking for a certain element in a person and they do not wish to see rest. They want to “slot” the person into something. Most of the times the person does not fit into it and then “hell breaks loose” and the questions of good and bad come through. When I was younger I tried to convince people about the misconceptions they had about me……. nobody ever understood….. Eventually I gave up. I sometimes I wonder whether the problem is with me that people don’t understand me because so many people could not be wrong. But I guess this mystery will always remain unsolved as I have given up on people trying to “understand me” and simply live my existence.

I think my hubby is really fed up of answering this question for me over and over again everyday and so I guess I should just stop asking him that and just be!!! So if I lose the popularity contests most of the times in my hubby’s eyes I ALWAYS WIN….. Guess he has no choice than to get me to win!!! yes i am spoilt!!!

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