When I was ten and six

Lately all the posts in my blog have become nothing short of emotional atyachaar…. so I took a cue from NaBloPo and its daily topics for the month of June and this is the best topic that I could think of. If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

If I had to go back in time and meet my 16-year-old self….. I would have been in the twelfth standard in St Mira’s College….. almost a purani jeans and guitar moment. Those days life was FULL up to the brim and very very interesting…. too interesting if I look at it from my Ma’s point of view.

At sixteen Life had:

Too much ambition.

New found freedom.

Lots and lots of laughter and giggling.

Experimenting with EVERYTHING.

Living and sleeping in jeans and skirts and wearing Dad’s shirts….. especially the ones he ironed the night before to wear to work….. which he absolutely hated!!!

It was the time for: Friends, making groups….. breaking them. Talking about boys all the day until you almost puked….. yeah that much….. and I did puke at the end of the day…… Each person writing a dissertation on their current love and the loss of past love!!! Man it changed very often…… used to have a hard time keeping track of everybody’s……. Flavour of the month.

Sixteen was also the era of getting proposed to almost every day with flowers, letters written in blood or maybe red ink, teddies and a wide paraphernalia of things…… usually fighting back…… slapping….. beating them……. eating flowers and becoming a walking talking paper shredder machine, specialising in shredding letters and cards into very very tiny minute particles and then blowing them in the air. Believe me the whole experience was quite traumatic causing me to stay indoors at home for days ultimately being thrown out by dad.

Bunking college and spending days in college canteen gorging on vada pavs and vada sambars or experimenting with henna designs on each other’s palms and hair styles (mine was a ladies college)

First time copying from chits in the surprise (or surprise for us as we were busy bunking) tutorials and then throwing shoes out of the window and then jumping off the window to catch the train….. the shoes first because that’s where the chits were. Using the window more than the door to leave the class.

Sitting in the last bench in class and singing songs or writing poetry or sketching and giving lots and lots of grief to the teachers.

Spending the whole of sanctuary sketching on each other’s palms or tying up two random girls’ dupatta with each other or braiding their hair together or writing notes to each other with the background music of Keshava Madhava or aye malik tere bande hum.

Bunking classes and running in the tracks to catch the 245 local and then alighting at Shivajinagar and then taking the return local back to Pune at 330 and then finally going home in the same local at 450…… our scheduled time.

It was also my first exposure to the world of electronics and telecommunication. My friend’s pa had banned her from making phone calls so we used to join wires and then make calls and then again replace the phone to its broken self. There were these one rupee telephone booths at Pune station which often malfunctioned and we could make free calls for hours….. we did not even have to insert a coin. It was like our own private hotline. Very often we used to have some person threatening another on the phone next to us…… usually had to with some girl. We also gave a lot of blank calls to all our dushman….. and sometimes to some of our could-be friends as well.

At 16 padyatra was the call of the day…… I walked and walked and walked and walked First from home to Khadki station then Pune station via tracks to Koregaon Park…. to college then to work in Camp and then from Camp to Pune station and since I was in marketing all over again everywhere. Considering that pocket-money was so less, auto rickshaws was a status symbol something I could not afford.

Covering our faces while going to the theatres to catch the movies…… lest someone recognised us.

At 16 I had my first job….. financial independence.

First love……. first break-up…… first heart-break!!!!

Read books and more books and lots more after that….. all kinds of them……. Sometimes even read more than two a day. Read my first and last science fiction and totally hated it.

16 was also the time for serious studying…… slaving over economics and accountancy…… what saved the day for me was Subodh classes’ 99 test series and French and English. I wouldn’t have scored above average without these factors.

At 16 studying was usually done in Pune University main building or lawns or in the Sanskrit section because nobody went there those days. My home would be full of my sister’s friends and lots of clutter for her impending wedding causing havoc in my study pattern eventually started studying with the radio in full blast.

16 was also the first time I went to sinhagad for the first time and instantly fell in love with it.

Age 16 witnessed my oldest sister’s wedding….. my first experience at event management….. loved every moment of it….. also witnessed a Bengali wedding for the first time in my life.

Me having some or the other issues and refusing to go back to college or stepping our of home and dad threatening me with dire consequences and repeatedly telling me the importance of education and importance of career.

16 was rebelling……. rebelling against everything and anything that came before me. Lots of screaming and shouting at home……. Ma and Pa getting lots and lots of grey hair. The only thing I spoke at home were: I don’t know, I didn’t do it, I cant do it, I wont do it, I am hungry…… anything else and Ma and Pa would have a heart attack. Eventually Ma started using reverse psychology to get me to do things.

16 was sleeping lots and lots of sleeping so much that Ma had to throw me out of the bed each day and Dad gave me a lecture on sleeping each and every waking hour even when I was awake eventually I decided if I had to take it, I might as well do the bad deed.

16 was also the time when Ma scrutinised each and every male friend of mine and froze most of them. Every Sunday along with the oil head massage I also had to listen to Ma’s speech on the virtue of women…… typical Sulochana and Nirupa Roy style…… well it worked….. it kept me straight.

16 was not worrying about weight and eating everything and doing everything.

If I had to go back and tell something to myself it would be……. Great going…… You re the best!!!!

I wouldn’t want to change a thing or do anything any differently for those days then made me what I am now and waise bhi do sixteen year olds even listen???

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The Movers and The Packers

Its been such a long time since I actually sat down and wrote. One of the longest blog sabbaticals since I started blogging.

Life for me has been too unpredictable this last year and the last few months have been total roller coaster ride with Hubzz…. so much that we don’t even dare plan the next meal lest it goes awry again….. just taking life as it comes.

So many things have happened that organizing all the the events and putting all of them to a logical order is going to take a lot of time. For the present I am home back to Pune……. not visiting this time but we actually moved….. LOCK STOCK and BARREL. The dreaded 2009 ended with me totally uprooting myself from Mumbai….. back home to the land I was born and grew up……. yet strangely it feels so unfamiliar….. When I think of home these days, it is my home in Mumbai which i so painstakingly created that I think of. Here living in a rented apartment…. very close to Ma and all my family it seems different. Things have changed so much here. At times I have to remind myself that this is where I grew up.

On my short trips to Pune which usually lasted for a day or two things were different but actually living here is much more different….. you interact on a more baser level your entire perception is totally different now. So what was that that I longed to come to…… A MIRAGE???

Packing and unpacking has been a terror. The movers and packers truly moved my life…… they moved me to TEARS!!! My whole life was packed in 15 cartons and 84 packages. The memories of my life in Mumbai…… I haven’t counted!!! I have collected so much junk over the past decade both material and emotional that putting all that out of my life is going to be an effort…… the cleanliness and organizing freak in me is crying out with joy but also making me burn innumerable candles in all the ends not to mention my arthritic hands and legs which scream out now and then but now I have learned to ignore the pain. For me I just have to scream out and my whole family will be here organizing things for me…… but ten years on my own I am resisting the urge. I am finally kindof organized and even have internet which is the last stop at kindof organized.

The weather here is a JOY!!! I had totally forgotten what winter was all about. Its like an unending holiday. The first week I shifted I was wearing a sweater all day. Now I just smile…… I have longed for winter for years now I finally have it!!! In Mumbai it is only the one glorious hour in the morning that reminds you that it is winter and if you have overslept….. you have missed it.

It was very painful to leave my home. I had created it brick by brick and the last few years it was my haven and my joy. It wasn’t well endowed like the museum pieces we see in the magazines but it was cozy and most important it was mine. When the Packers moved out it looked totally bare and forlorn. I could not help but mourn about it. But the last year has taught me that looking back will only cause you pain. So I chinned up and walked out promising my home a better tomorrow as I promised myself the same.

Moving my bike to Pune was a JOY….. nope that is an understatement it was pure unadulterated BLISSSSSS!!! After years I again drove down all alone to Pune from Mumbai. Since I got sick just managing my hands and legs was an effort so driving all the way to Pune from Mumbai was pure bliss. It was like as if I got back my freedom and I could fly again……. nothing in life compares to the happiness I felt while tackling the ghats. I wont get into similes and metaphors but just that after years I felt that my clipped wings had its power again. Traveling in Mumbai locals i used to feel like the chicken in their coup before being slaughtered. The solo drive back home on my bike was HEAVEN like the flamingos. Of course I did have Hubzzz on my tail continuously giving me “INSTRUCTIONS” but since he was in the tin ka dabba…. alias CAR….. it was not difficult to lose him or the cell just not working :-D. I am a veteran at two wheelers……… I don’t need instructions!!!!

All in all the move is good!!! I meet Ma and Pa EVERYDAY…… and now I can celebrate all functions and festivals with my family. I don’t need to call my sisters just drop in on them. I spend quality time with Hubzz (his place of work is only 10 mins away unlike the three local train changes and two and half hours one way in Mumbai) and Parents and my sisters and nieces (I had forgotten what it was to be the youngest in the family) and most important I am HOME…… where I belong!!!

Salaam Mumbai

My very good friend Pankaj sent this to me….. It was so true of Mumbai that I could not resist posting it on my blog. Again I would like to reiterate that I have not written this….. it was sent to me I just liked it so much that I am posting it on my blog.

Bombay has no bombs and is a harbour not a bay.

Churchgate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station.

There is no darkness in Andheri..

Lalbaag is neither red nor a garden.

No king ever stayed at Kings Circle ..

Nor did Queen Victoria stay at Victoria Terminus.

Nor is there any princess at Princess Street .

Lower Parel is at the same level as Parel

There are no marines or sailors at Marine Lines.

The Mahalaxmi temple is at Haji Ali not at Mahalaxmi.

There are no pigs traded at Dukar bazaar.

Teen bati is a junction of 3 roads, not three lamps.

Trams used to terminate at Kings circle not Dadar* Tram Terminus (Dadar T.T.).

Breach Candy is not a sweetmeat market, but there is a Hospital.

Safed Pool has the dirtiest and blackest water.

You cannot buy coal at Kolsa street.

There are no Iron smiths at Lohar chawl.

There are no pot makers at Kumbhar wada.

Lokhandwala complex is not an Iron and steel market.

Null bazaar does not sell taps.

You will not find ladyfingers at Bheendi Bazaar.

Kalachowki does not have a black Police station.

Hanging Gardens are not suspended.

Mirchi Gully does not sell chillies.

Figs do not grow in Anjir Wadi.

Sitafals do not grow in Sitafal Wadi,

Jackfruits do not grow at Fanaswadi.

But it is true that you may get fleeced at Chor Bazaar!

AMCHI MUMBAI

  • A City where everything is possible,especially the impossible .
  • Where telephone bills make a person ill,
  • Where a person cannot sleep without a pill.
  • Where carbon-dioxide is more than oxygen,
  • Where the road is considered to be a dustbin,
  • Where college canteens are full and classes empty,
  • Where Adam teasing is also making an entry,
  • Where a cycle reaches faster than a car,
  • Where everyone thinks himself to be a star,
  • Where sky scrapers overlook the slum,
  • Where houses collapse as the monsoon comes,
  • Where people first act and then think,
  • Where there is more water in the pen than ink,
  • Where the roads see-saw in monsoon,
  • Where the beggars become rich soon,
  • Where the roads are levelled when the minister arrives,
  • Where college admission means hard cash,
  • Where cement is frequently mixed with ash.
THINGS TO PROVE YOU’RE A BOMBAYITE


1. You say “town ” and expect everyone to know that this means south of Churchgate.

2 You speak in a dialect of Hindi called ‘Bambaiya Hindi’, which only Bombayites can understand.

3. Your door has more than three locks.

4. Rs 500 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

5. Train timings ( 9.27 , 10.49 etc) are really important events of life.

6. You spend more time each month traveling than you spend at home.

7. You call an 8′ x 10′ clustered room a Hall.

8.. You’re paying Rs 10,000 for a 1 room flat, the size of walk-in closet and you think it’s a “steal.”

9. You have the following sets of friend: school friends, college friends, neighborhood friends, office friends and yes, train friends, a species unique only in Bombay.

10. Cabbies and bus conductors think you are from Marsif you call the roads by their Indian name, they are more familiar with Warden Road, Peddar  Road, Altamount Road ..

11. Stock market quotes are the only other thing* besides cricket which you follow passionately.

12. The first thing that you read in the Times of India is the ” Bombay Times” supplement.

13. You take fashion seriously. You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

14. Hookers, beggars and the homeless are invisible.

15. You compare Bombay to New York ‘s Manhattan instead of any other cities of India.

16. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn..

17. You insist on calling CST as VT, and Sahar and Santacruz airports instead of Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport.

18. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

19. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

20. Being truly alone makes you nervous.

21. You love wading through knee deep mucky water in the monsoons, and actually call it ”romantic’.

22. Only in Bombay , you would get Chinese Dosa and Jain Chicken

Salaam Bombay……

Arranged marriages : now and then

I finally managed to embark on the task of getting down to writing the post on arranged marriages as I had promised earlier. All I can say is that my mind was previously preoccupied with other tasks and I felt I would not be able to do full justice to the post so I refrained from writing it earlier. It turned out quite long so do bear with me!!!

In arranged marriages ritual of seeing the girl is of vital importance because this is the time when the girl and the boy’s family actually meet for the first time same for the girl and the boy. Maharashtrians call it the “kanda-pohe” ritual literally because traditionally kanda pohe is served in these functions!!! We bengalis don’t necessarily have the jargon but we do have the ritual. This first-time-ritual is forever embedded in the memory of both the girl and guy all their life. These make for interesting stories I have recounted some of them from the memories of my mother, sister and myself.

I and hubby were at a certain place in Pune, when we met this man, his wife and kids. The man was familiar to hubs so they got talking. I found this man very familiar but could not place him in my memory. An older couple soon joined the family, on seeing the older man and Woman……. Bingo!!! I remembered who they were!!!

Flash back: Some years back before my marriage, my family was approached with this alliance for me from this guy whose parents, when they came to meet me/Kanda pohe, (sans the guy, which is why I was not able to remember him and which irritated me) the mother and father of the boy kept asking me about my job particularly how much I earned and how much I saved and my bank balance. I dumped the family point blank refusing to even meet the guy who was more interested in my job!!!

I came home and told Ma and my sisters whom I met and we got talking on marriages!!! Before I give you the whole recount, I have to start the story from a little before independence of India: Before Ma’s birth!!!

Did you know that eons ago in India small girls were sold in marriage and the boy had to actually buy the girl? Those were times when the ratio of boys’ vs. girls was very less. My grandmother and my mother’s pishi of whom I had mentioned in one of my previous post were bought by their husbands. No dowry was paid by the girl’s family. Girls were married off at a very young age. They were brought up alongside their husbands but were denied school education. They were schooled at home like both my grandmothers.

My parents came to Kolkatta after partition. Ma was very small then but Ma’s sister was a little older so she was married off in haste. In the crossover they were looted, plundered and the women folk were gang-raped. I have both my grandfathers saying on record that during the crossover they were stripped to their skin and every naya paisa was taken from them. The women in the family were smuggled by the Muslim neighbors/friends and put in the crossover train when it was safe. When they finally reached Kolkatta they did not have a paisa to their name. Initially my grandparents set up home in the refugee camp and after a very long time made a home and haven for themselves and their children.

The reason I gave you the background is to understand the socio-economic condition of the people at that time also the socio-economic condition of my Ma’s family.

My grandfather started looking for a suitable groom for Ma since she was in the ninth standard. My Ma’s cousin (paternal sister) was of the same age and lived next door, so the proposals that would come would first round up her house and then come to see ma, (the word I will use here is Window shopping) which was fine by my grandfather. Ma claims that sometimes she would give two to three “sittings” in a day, sometimes five a week!!!

The girls were judged on how beautiful they were – color of the skin features etc. The other benchmarks included their education, family conditions, creativity, of course music etc. These sittings would have the boy’s family – full family, sometimes even extended family, and friends, (sans the intended boy) come and ask the girl – questions (read physical examinations). She was asked to show her hair – to check for split ends and length, made to walk, to see whether she limped and to check her feet….. apparently some feet are supposed to be bad luck….. Don’t ask me which ones…… I haven’t yet got to that yet…… still researching on that, her palm was read, in some cases she was asked to produce horoscopes, which my grandparents never bothered to make so never mattered!!! OK this is the bombshell: in some cases the girl was asked to show her teeth……. Yes her teeth were checked!!! and all this time ignorant me thought only horses were checked for their teeth!!!

The oral questions (read viva voce) that were put to them were usually stuff about running the house, budgeting, cooking, creativity in embroideries, music etc etc!!!

In one such sitting Ma was grilled for hours by an old man and prospective groom and family who had come to interview. They had already grilled her through the education, music, embroideries and recite a poem segments. He asked ma:

Old man: “How much salt will be required for cooking a lamb (patha) for so many numbers of people?”

Ma had had it until then!!! She was really fed up and she confesses that she did not want to get married at that point of time (she was in college then) and she did not like the guy…….. so she asked the old man

Ma: “Patha ta kar moton – apnar na apnar cheler moton???” (How is the lamb like you or your son!!!)

Guess the attitude was present in my genes….. so when decades later when my parents were looking for a groom for me. (Yes!!! I was incapable of finding one for myself) I was confronted with a similar situation when the guy’s uncle and aunt who had come to meet me kept asking me questions about my career and hobbies etc etc for their nephew who was a “Engineer from Jadhavpur” and they expected a Probashi like me who was born and brought up in Pune and whose second language was Marathi (first being English) to know where Jadhavpur is and its importance in the national history of the country and its contribution to the economic growth of the country and world at large. I always thought that MIT and Harvard were the best and the Indian institutes of IIM and IIT were good and after that it was the REC’s and NIT’s.

Anyway the uncle and the aunt looked disapprovingly at me and kept saying that their nephew liked long hair……. I had had it till that time with them raving and ranting about the nephew and making me sound inferior so frustrated I said:

ME: “Is your nephew bald?” both were stunned and angered.

Silence!!!

Then looking at their confused faced I clarified:

ME: “I thought that he wanted the girl to have long hair so as to enable him to make a wig with her hair”

Well they rejected me!!! Thank God!!! Else I would’ve been bald and the Jadhavpur guy in question would be sporting my hair!!!

Ma’s cousin who lived just a few blocks from her was dark. Eventually when she got married, her father had to pay a lot of dowry to the family of the groom. She was weighed in gold and the gold was given to the groom’s family. After the wedding she was harassed time and again for her color. She took in the abuse for a very long time. Then one day when she had a lot and could not take more of it on one fine sunny and glorious day she said:

Ma’s Cousin: “Even if I am black/dark, my father’s money/gold is not”

Ma recollects that once a family of nine brothers had come to see her and her cousin and they spent a week at their house with their full extended family and friends…… The guy in question was deaf by one ear (he was struck by lightning). They rejected both sisters and finally it was heard that the guy married some colleague of his with whom he was working – love marriage.

My Ma claims that my grandfather would say that the amount of money he spent in kanda pohes/sittings feeding the people who would come, he could’ve financed one whole wedding reception.

My sister’s mother-in-law was the sixth wife of her husband – all other wives were very beautiful but died without issues!!! She was chosen because unlike her predecessors she was dark and not good looking. She bore her husband lots of kids but her husband died young……. paradox!!! She and her kids outlived him.

My aunt’s wedding is more fun!!! In her wedding her uncles who were Sanskrit pundits had made a claim that to get married to their niece; the prospective groom would have to win in a Sanskrit debate with them!!! and no I am not talking about the times of shakuntalas and swayamvars!!! Just some time ago!!! My uncle was lucky he had amongst his family some Sanskrit exponents and they were married!!!

In contrary to stories of yore, arranged marriages today are much better where a neutral place like a restaurant or hotel lobby is selected for the meeting/Kanda pohe ritual and the boy and girl are given an opportunity to interact. Matrimonial sites organize swayamvars and camps where all the families can meet and interact and decide. The total kandha pohe ritual is done with and the Waiter serves the tea and kandha pohe to one and all!!!

I kind of like it when all the details are in black and white and the families can be very practical and actually ARRANGE an alliance between two families!!! The details being filled out in forms and the prospective bride and grooms look through them and decide on the available alternatives. These days like classic cases of E-love the arranged marriages through matrimonial portals too are good wherein the guy and the girl can chat with each other decide on the amiability before they actually meet.

Whatever the options I am glad I am through with it. I absolutely hated it!!!

Made in heaven

Marriages are said to be made in heaven
To be suffered on earth
Although of boys and girls, there is no dearth
The combinations made by heaven don’t seem quite even!!!
Arranged by parents for convenience’s sake
Couples come together in the oddest sizes and makes.

The man who slogs for his family,
Gets a grumbling wife.
The man who lives for himself,
Gets a doting wife and enjoys life.
The innocent girl gets a wicked male
Her story, a continuous pathetic tale.

The man timid and meek,
Is paired with a malacious, howling shriek.
The mod chick lands up with a country lad
And the country lad with a fashion fad.
The female wrestler gets a bag of bones
And the weakling, a Slyvester Stallone

The list is unending
Don’t you think the Gods need training???
Shouldn’t marriages be made on earth
So that their makers may prove their worth???
Or do you think marriage is a gamble
Through which one has to ramble
Whether planned in heaven or on earth???

Female point system

Hey Guys !!!

Just got inspired by Dhir’s recent blog you will find it here. First it was Smita talking about Maids and then Dhir “how to avoid blasphemy in the absence of maids!!!” No I am not going to rave and rant about maids but the fact that men start walking in the proverbial mode of “treading on egg shells”……. when they are not around. Well its the same in my house but I think that that is the case in all households.

People who live abroad often say that we Indians are very lazy and we need to keep maids….. just because we are snobbish etc etc. But I have it from friends who have travelled abroad that the living conditions there are very different from ours also the amount of gadgets at their place make life rather simple for them. For eg : they don’t have to dust mop the house everyday because the dust factor there is very less. The gadgets that they use like vacuums and dishwasher is rare in India etc etc……

As for me mine is the classic case of an egoistical angel. I spend hours sweet talking her. She is in the fourth step in the pyramid of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs….. only self actualisation being left out!!! I do it because she is also an angel…… she has been with me forever…… she is the best……. though every few months she back stabs me and goes off to somebody else…… I try my best to protect her from getting poached but not very successful…… As I frequently tell Hubs…. “REMEMBER: She is my best friend. She is sacrosanct!!! I can do without you!!! but can’t do without her !!!!”

But this blog post of mine is not about maids or to compare our lives with theirs but to talk about a very common trend in men….. when the going gets tough…… Men keep away…… or completely disappear!!! I received this forward from my friend Poornima today morning and so I just could not nudge of the feeling of deja vu when I read Dhir’s post!!! and before your accuse me of plagiarism please note that I HAVE NOT WRITTEN IT just copied it to my blog:

Happy reading and let me know what you think of it : As for me I totally agree with the post!!!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) , In the rain (+8), But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans(-15)

ENJOY THE ‘BIG’ QUESTION

She asks, ‘Do I look fat?’ (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, ‘Where?’ (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

God vs Satan

I think this is hilarious !!! I have never before read creation explained this way before!!!


In the beginning God created
the heavens and the earth
and populated the earth with broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, green and
yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives!!!

Then using God’s great gifts
Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream
and Krispy creme Donuts.
And Satan said, ” You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said. “Yes!!!” and

Woman said , ” And as long as your’e at it,
add some sprinkles.”
And they gained 10 pounds
And Satan smiled!!!

God created the healthful yogurt that
Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so
fair and Satan brought
forth white flour from the
cane and combined them.
And Woman went from
size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green
salad.” And Satan presented
Thousand – Island Dressing
buttery croutons and garlic toast
on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened
their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you
healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them”. And Satan
brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken fried steak so big it needed its
own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholestrol went through
the roof. God then created a light fluffy
white cake, named it “Angel food Cake,”
and said “Its good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake
and named it “Devil’s food.”

God then brought forth
running shoes so that his children
might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV
with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil
changing the channels.
And man and woman laughed
and cried before the flickering blue
light and gained pounds.

God brought forth the potato
naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off
the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy centre into chips anmd deep-fried
them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created
Mc Donald’s and it’s
99 cent double cheeseburger. Then said
“You want fries with that?” And Man
replied, “Yes!!! and super size them
and Satan said, “It is good”. And Man
went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created
Quadruple Bypass Surgery.

The Woman

The Woman

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day

An angel came by and said:
“Why spend so much time on that one?”

And the Lord answered:

“Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her ?”

“She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands”.

The angel was impressed.

“Just two hands….impossible!“

And this is the standard model?!

“Too much work for one day….wait until tomorrow and then complete her”.

“I will not”, said the Lord. “I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart”.


“She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day”.

The angel came nearer and touched the woman.
“But you have made her so soft, Lord”

“She is soft”, said the Lord, “But I have also made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome.“


“Can she think?” the angel asked.

The Lord answered:

“Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate.”

The angel touched the womans cheek….

“Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her.”

“She is not leaking….it’s a tear” the lord corrected the angel

“What’s it for?” asked the angel.

And the Lord said:

“Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride.”

This made a big impression on the angel;

“Lord, you are genius. You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvellous!”

Indeed she is!

Woman has strengths that amazes man. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.

She holds happiness, love and opinions.

She smiles when feeling like screaming.

She sings when she feels like crying, crys when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid.

She fights for what she belives in.

Stand up against injustice.

She doesn’t take “no” for an answer, when she can see a better solution. She gives herself so her family can thrive. She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid.

Her love is unconditional.

She cries when her kids are victorious. She is happy when her friends do well.

She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.

Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies.

But she finds the strength to get on with life.

She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.

There is only one thing wrong with her

She forgets what she is worth…

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