Bolo Durga Mai ki……. JOY

“Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, and love like you’ve never been hurt.”

That is what my facebook fortune cookie said today morning. Amazing start to the day.

Back from my trip to Kolkata, I had precisely two hours to SETTLE and immediately had to get on with the backlog of work that had accumulated since my holiday and since there has been no stop…… But I am glad I had the opportunity to pause for a few days before resuming

The highlights have been my detoxification from internet…….. which was looooong overdue and I am glad to say that I am finally successful. I am no longer obsessed with the net and have other things in life besides virtual friends…. like real people for a change. I finally made real friends and am catching up with lots of others over cups of tea and coffee. Personal interaction is making me happy……. the pain also seems very less…….. guess I finally found a way to cope with the arthritis. It does come back, but I think acceptance relieves the pressure and after one full year I feel as though I am finally back for good……. Hubby thinks I have my eyes back which should be something because Ma commented that they are cloudy all the time these days.

My Degree college students are good….. really good and it is intellectually stimulating to think beyond the box and do things…….. boring things in a new way….. that makes it challenging. My Diploma class is lacking and I am having to go to the basics. Considering that I don’t have much time with them and they the fact that are expecting miracles, I am not so sure about achieving this. I am putting in my best and keeping my fingers crossed for the rest.

The rest is just ordinary and…… THE USUAL.

I met my previous batch and it was so good to see them again….. MY KIDS!!!

Today in the degree college I lost my temper. I don’t like losing my temper. It takes out any kind of energy that I possess and in the end I am totally drained out and tired. It so happened that the degree college class has 50 students and 99% of them are Malayalees. These women are constantly chattering and when it is in Malayalam……. it is like somebody is doing a remake of BREATHLESS….. no full stop, no comma. It is like sparrows lots and lots of them chattering into your ear non-stop. I can almost feel the sound of it vibrating inside my ears and my brain….. going from the cerebrum to the cerebellum to the medulla oblongata…… to the auditory area then coming back to the temporal lobe and then back again. I could feel every single piece of my brain. Then I lost it and threw the chalk in hand on one girl…… no damage…… SHE SMILES and puts out her tongue but the others continue!!! (secret: nobody noticed but after that I reached for the duster…… now that would have been something…… you would have all seen me in the newspapers and the news channels).

Nobody listened and I was back to square one. I soon realised that it was a question of Patience and that I should be more tolerant so I instead I decided to do something constructive.…... one word…… one single word….. it got me total silence…. EXTEMPORE!!!! hehehehehehehe

As they say “Don’t get mad……. GET EVEN“

Tomorrow is the first day of Durga Puja. It is that time of the year when we await the coming of Durga Ma and everybody seems to be preparing for it. Because of Dida’s demise we wont be celebrating the festival this year. But I am really hoping to be able to go home even if only for a weekend.

When I was young, when Puja was just round the corner, we would suddenly have a lot of bengali songs being played at home and Ma humming to popular bengali numbers….. I guess she was homesick and remembered her days of Puja back in Kolkata with her family. Everybody tells me that they miss the Puja back at Kolkata and that it is very beautiful etc etc….. and usually they all end up getting nostalgic and reminiscing the sounds of Dhak and chanting of the Chandi. I have never been there or seen that so must be good!!!

Though I am not officially celebrating the festival, Ma and sisters have already bought me clothes……. so I have three new dresses for puja plus the ones I have bought for myself. I hope I am able to wear them for Puja. I havent been to Ma’s in months!!! Puja without Ma and Pa and sisters and their family is like totally SAD!!! Leaving you with the sounds of Dhak  and dhunuchi dance from youtube.

Happy Durga Puja and Navratri to all of you and your families!!!
May Ma Durga bring joy and happiness to one and all!!!

Little mermaid finds her legs

Today I totally and completely know what Ariel (the little mermaid) felt when she finally found LEGS. I am finally (as Sucharita said) DE-CASTED!!!! It is truly priceless having your own legs and walking on them. Today that fairy tale by Hans Andersen has new meaning for me. I actually identify with it.

The doc finally said that my feet were good and I could walk without a cast. When he cut open the cast I was actually staring at my legs when the doc said “Yes they are your feet….. totally yours”. It is actually a relief. The best compliment that I got from the doc was that: “You took good care of it. I didn’t think you would!!!” I couldn’t help smiling and I kept smiling all the way home.

It was a rough path especially with the heat et al but finally in the end I don’t really hate the cast. I discovered a lot of new things about moi and about hubs. I thought that the whole thing will be a total nightmare but it was actually quite the reverse. After the initial setback I actually enjoyed myself – reading, studying and doing all things that I haven’t done in a very long time. I don’t even hate the cast so much. Contrary to what I had decided about having a funeral for the cast and BUTCHERING it. I actually felt no animosity towards it. After all it helped me stand on my own feet. I am actually missing it. It stayed with me day and night for one month……. almost part of me!!! The cast grew on me and contrary to what I thought….. I am missing it!!!!

I think as far as I can remember this was the only actual holiday that I had ALL MY LIFE. No, I am not exaggerating because all my holidays in school and out of it have been work and work and work. Some or the other kind of work. There was always a schedule to follow to live up to and jobs to be completed. Some or the other kind of social talk or stuff like that. This is the first time when nothing was expected of me…….. nothing at all and I could just do what I wanted resultant I actually could do a lot of things that I’ve wanted to do but felt incapacitated to do especially studying.

Most of my friends…… nope all of them called up some time or the other. So I could get back to family and friends and do all the catching up that I wanted. Sometimes setbacks like these make you realize that you have very good friends and family even neighbors!!! I never thought my neighbors even bothered about whether or not I existed…… I was pleasantly surprised.

The best part of the whole episode was that I learnt that the art of forgiving is not beyond me and even I can live in the paradise of sacrifice and I am not such a self obsessed character that I presume myself to be.

As far as hubs was concerned I always thought that I could wheedle him to doing anything but the way the guy put his foot down when I wanted to cut off the cast was simply amazing. I used every ruse in and out of the book to get out of the cast. I cried heart rending sobs, screamed, bribed him, threatened him, everything in and out of the book……… my very strict and usually heartless dad also conceded and told me to get rid of it if it was troubling me that much. He even had tears in his eyes but not hubs he just put his foot down and said that: “the cast would remain”.

Ma and sis were more sweet they kept telling me just one more day…… don’t look at the whole picture just another day and so on and so forth but not hubs. He said the cast will remain for a month so brace yourself and get books to read or do anything but the cast remains. I totally hated him at that time. I have honestly not seen hubs like this before. He is usually very sweet.

The lesson that I learnt from the fracture episode is that I am taking life slowly and steadily and I am not going to let anything get in way of my peace. It is a resolution which I intend to keep. I realized that in my quest for bigger truths I am letting small things get away from me…… not that I am able to complete the bigger picture either. Just another lost case. So I am taking things slowly this time. Believe me when I say that this is going to be one hell of a herculean task for me but not impossible.

As for me right now I can’t still walk steadily and just like Ariel (little mermaid) I have pin pricks every time I put weight on my leg. Legs are really precious!!! The doc has advised another BE-CAREFUL month and still on pain killers also no gymming for sometime.

I am posting a video of one of my favorite songs. I have been humming it since morning…….. hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!! It is a very beautiful song!!! So for you “I SWEAR” by John Montgomery

of kinkies and idiosyncrasies!!!

Every few weeks or may be I should say months…… I encounter this feeling of things just getting out of hand and me losing grips of everything that I think is important to me. This is happening more this year than any other year of my life.

It very often starts with the love of my life…… my maid giving me trouble (in this case she has gone for a very long holiday), somebody invariably not feeling well (read dad and mom) and me running trying to find meaning to my existence as I am caught up between loyalties of staying put with hubs or running home. So as I continue my balance act on one leg in each boat I am confounded by situations….. in this case of people who talk of things which I must say are very irking to me. I consider emotional upheavals luxuries of life specially after I have faced situations of life and death. I consider some person talking vaguely about some emotional thing rather irritating specially when they additionally have a quiz competition of guess-what along with it.

So today a friend of mine mailed me talking in riddles about some stuff which I was vary of. I was waiting for some reports of my dad and was totally irritated by the objective test put before me. At other times I would have laughed along and joined in but today I was irritated and brushed it aside to concentrate on the more important things in life…… read dad’s report. Only to be called back by the friend to ask me why I had not answered and what did I think of it blah blah blah!!! Man was I pissed!!!!

This person is totally aware of my infamous anger but still he had to invite my wrath. Classic case of “Aa bail mujhe mar”. He was almost showing the red scarf…….. in this case a very very red double bed sheet to a very very very irritated bull and he was surprised when I lost it and very politely told him to lay off and do something useful. Some people just don’t take a hint!!! But guess what I deserve brownie points because I did not raise my voice, I did not sound rude and I did not even use the sarcastic note that I usually use…….. just plainly said to lay off and do something useful like digging like my uncles did…….. nope i did not suggest that but I really wanted to.

Now I guess I am going to have to face repercussions of this for a very long time to come. But honestly guys you don’t ask trivia to people with anger management problems. You steer clear of their path.

Talking of anger management guess what my very very cool headed hubs who never ever raises his voice also has anger management problems. Well he just bottles up and does not talk!!! So that means every body does have some or the other kinky habit……. and people blame me!!! I have a major cleanliness disorder and for every job that I do be it cooking or cleaning or……. anything. It is planned, timed, organised and conceptualised to the core, only then I can actually accomplish it flawlessly…….. otherwise in my ken it is a dissatisfying experience.

My maid can’t tolerate anything unorganized or cluttered so if I am not around she does more than she has to………. I so miss her!!!!

Hubs idiosyncrasies go beyond that. I have a habit of scribbling on my notebook when I am studying. Usually some flower in some corner of a page or some absolute work of art. I do that in all the official meetings when somebody goes on and on and on and does not stop and I have to appear attentive so I start drawing, painting and in some cases shading. Hubs cant stand that. Once he even tore a page that he was writing on because I had started to sketch on it. He says he cant think if somebody does that to his book or page. At other times you cant fold a book while reading it. You have to spread it out and then read!!! and you cant fold currency notes they have to be kept flat so much so that when I buy wallets for him I measure the contents with 500 and 1000 rupee notes. He even argues with bhajiwalas and rickshawwalas for torn notes.

My sister has to go to the kitchen of any household that she visits and she eventually starts cooking……. I call her cooker!!! she is so lost in any other room!!! My mom spends hours adorning the idols of the god’s with flowers. She hates it when she comes to my place because I have no flower bearing plants in my balcony…… the ones that are there don’t produce flowers everyday. My dad has a penchant for electric and hardware stuff. When he comes home or goes to any of my sister’s homes he ends up with some or the other electric component which is not working and sees to it that it works.

All in all I realized today that I am not so crazy after all and unless provoked quite sane. I also realized that everybody has their list of kinky’s. I am definitely going to list mine in another post but guess what I am not so abnormal after all. Some people sometimes look at me and make me feel that that I have developed unicorn like horn on my nose!!! Guess what everybody has a horn like me!!!

whats yours ??? what bugs you??? let me know !!!

Till then hoping that everything works out on home front and everybody becomes healthy and happy like before.

Take care

Ham he rahi pyar ke phir milenge chalte chalte!!! (yes I just saw SRK in RBJ)

See ya !!!

My parents Poem

My Parents Poem

Do I ever tell you
How much you mean to me ???
You open up my eyes to things
I simply do not see
My growing up is hard
For both you and me ,
But no matter how I change
We’re still a family
I know there have been times
When I have really hurt you
With words said out of anger
and rude things that I do
But I realise my mistakes
And I just hope and pray
that you will find it in your heart
to forgive me someday
For without you in my life
I dont know what I’d do
And writing this is just my way
of saying How much “I love you”